The Banana Speaks

Sweet, I feel like I had a productive day. And all it took was me desperately procrastinating on a term paper I haven't started that's due on Tuesday. Excellent.

So today:
- I (sadly) canceled my monthly donation to UNICEF, due to lack of funds
- I scheduled an interview for tomorrow at a Starbucks (fingers crossed)
- I went to SFU Surrey to fill out paperwork that will allow me to continue paying only interest on my RBC student LOC
- I returned some outdoor Christmas lights that are too short to be any use for my balcony
- I chose my courses for Spring semester
- I completed my application for approval of financial aid with the BC government
- I completed my bursary application for SFU
- I investigated scholarship applications for the Spring semester

And I managed to do not a lick of work on my term paper.

So I guess I wonder if I chalk today up as a win, or a loss. Hm.

Fuck you, you fucking asshole on the skytrain.

I don't know where the hell you were coming from, considering you seemed to be passing-out drunk, yet dressed to work construction (bright reflective vest, included), but I was willing to understand and forgive you occasionally dropping over to my side of the double seats. After all, I have taken the skytrain home while extremely messed up, myself.

However, somewhere between Edmonds and 22nd Street Station, I was confused when you sat kinda upright, lifted your arm, and slumped over on me. I tried to remove myself, and was really irritated when I looked over at you to see if you had just passed out, and instead found a dismissive almost-smirk at me trying to get away from you. I physically tried to push your arm off of me, and you looked even more bored and dismissive, and re-draped yourself on me, firmly violating my private space.

I looked you straight in your bloodshot eyes and asked you as politely as I could considering how disgusted I was, to please take your arm off of me. I had to ask you THREE FUCKING TIMES before you realized I was not going to take this bullshit from you.

My, how your attitude changed. Such free-flowing and "meaningful" apologies. Wishing me a good evening as you got off at 22nd Street.

You are a fucking dirtbag.


And I ask, would this have happened to me if I was a man? Would he have pulled anything close to this bullshit he did, if it were a man riding the skytrain after midnight on a Saturday, reading quietly to himself? 

I firmly believe the answer is No.

So here's where I'm left. I feel violated, disgusted, disrespected, and angry. I am angry to be a woman. I am angry that I can't feel relatively certain I won't be harassed in some way if I'm out in public, unless I am accompanied by a man. And that makes me so very, very furious.

And I can't help but feel powerless about it all. And I think that's the worst part.

As my birthday is coming up in less than 6 weeks, and the beast known as Christmas is also due soon, I reckoned I would create a list for myself and friends who may want to "gift" something to me for either of these events. Let me know if you're calling dibs on one, and I will try to keep this list as updated as possible. Know, of course, I do not -need- any presents, and that your friendship and love is more than enough for my stone cold heart.

That being said, I HEART MATERIALISM & ATTENTION.
( The List )

More to come as I think of them

I am hopelessly, hopelessly anxious over money right now.

As it stands, I am $25k in debt, still jobless, and have only enough money to cover November/December rent, and one not-too-extravagant trip to the grocery store.

I had an interview on Tuesday with HMV for a minimum wage seasonal job.

Gods I hope they call tomorrow and offer me immediate hours.

1. Describe your workplace or school in two words:
( Fucking Mountain )

Let me just say, that in the context of a world where a sweet and gregarious twenty-something can die of brain cancer, it seems really fucking stupid to be dealing with an upcoming Wednesday filled with two different midterms.

It seems really fucking stupid to be slogging through endless semesters of school to get a degree that will guarantee me nothing.

It seems really fucking stupid to be stuck on my ass day after day doing nothing because I am uninspired and unmotivated.

And it seems really fucking stupid to not be out there doing something insane and ludicrous every goddamn day, if only to prove to myself I'm living my life to its fullest.

Oh gawd I almost exploded in my tutorial earlier today

Women and Crime class, 200 level, a lot of Crim students who have been neither exposed to much feminist theory, or gender studies. Article discussion about trans-woman who'd been jailed in men's facilities, despite being tried and sentenced as a woman. The government's medical experts has ruled that removal of her penis is a medically necessary procedure, and that once that's been done, she can be officially transferred over to a women's prison.

Deep breaths while dealing with comments about, "Well, he's more man than woman," and, "He / She shouldn't have his / her surgery paid for by taxpayers," and "He should stay in the men's prison." I inserted my trans-positive comments in where able, but by halfway through the discussion I was so upset, I was shaking.

How does one create change if too angry to speak?

I found out this weekend a friend of mine died.

Friend sounds so personable... really, we were more acquaintances.

I've never really dealt with a death before. Not of someone I actually know / knew.

I don't understand what's happening.

So I was digging around through my folders for one I could use this semester for school. I emptied out one of my Care Bears folders, only to find a list my sister and I made a few years ago as our "Get Psyched" playlist (a la How I Met Your Mother). In no particular order:

You Give Love a Bad Name - Bon Jovi
Shut up and Drive - Rhianna
Treat me Right - Li'l Suzy
Can't Hold Us Down - Christina Aguilera
Fighter - Christina Aguilera
Don't Call Me Baby - Madison Avenue
Sandstorm - Darude
How Deep is Your Love - Dru Hill
Pump It - BEP
Get Busy - Sean Paul
Everywhere - Michelle Branch
Everytime We Touch - Cascada
Living on a Prayer - Bon Jovi
Holding Out For a Hero - Bonnie Tyler
Dragula - Rob Zombie
Are You Feeling Alright - Finger Eleven
Dance Dance - Fall Out Boy
Livin' La Vida Loca - Ricky Martin

Teehee

Holy fuck, dudes. Small children with instruments make me so happy.


I can't remember the last time I've grinned so much

I will always love you.

Even if it's just a small part of me. Even if it's just a little bit.

 It simply cannot be helped.

So, tomorrow Alex and I fly out for Ontario.

I am very tired right now. I've been running around cleaning and packing and doing laundry and generally preparing stuff. If I weren't tired I'd be much more anxious right now. I'm still pretty anxious right now. Whenever I'm going on a trip somewhere I am always positive I've forgotten to pack something really important. Or I'll consider packing something, change my mind, and fear that I'll need it later. I get kinda weird about trips.

I'm going to try and breathe and be calm and try to remember to practice loving detachment and acceptance/love for myself, regardless of what messages are thrown my way. I will try not to regress to my familiar role in the family of everyone's emotional nanny, crutch, and problem solver. I will try to take the bad stuff in stride, and focus on the fact that I'm going to see family I have not seen for a long time, and I'll be doing it with my love.

This will be our first actual vacation extended trip together. We once went to Victoria together for a weekend, but that's it. This'll also be my first flight with anyone else. I've only ever flown solo. Wonder if it'll be any less boring.

Ugh, will need to drag self up at 7:30am. I haven't had to do that in a long time. It's been a pretty lazy summer. Hope I don't come back more stressed than when I leave. But if history is any indication, that's how it'll turn out.

It's funny that after over a year and a half, I'm thinking about how, in some ways, I did do some wrong to Kris aka perdin when he and I were seeing each other.

Yeah, I had told him that I wasn't looking for an exclusive relationship (and thus feel justified in sleeping with AW back when Kris and I were still seeing each other), but he was obviously seeing the whole thing as more than that. I should have been more responsible about how I treated him. I knew things weren't ever going anywhere with him, but I didn't stop seeing him. I wasn't responsible enough to put my foot down and end things.

Realistically, Kris was a rebound relationship after an intense 3 year mostly long distance relationship with my first everything. I was also still smarting from rejection by my object of obsession at the time (and was still hoping for reciprocation). I was dealing with a period of very dark and heavy depression in my life. And depression tends to make one pretty self centered. I will admit that I couldn't realistically see very far past my own needs and wants at the time. And at the time, I was looking for someone to make me feel like I was wanted or desired in some way. It was selfish of me.

So, I continued to act in ways that were indicative of he and I being in some kind of honest to goodness romantic relationship. I acted more like a girlfriend than someone simply looking for sex and companionship. I was also a lot less educated about non-monogamy at the time. I wasn't always being an ethical slut. And that was unkind of me. It was sometimes disrespectful.

I suppose what I am saying is that I regret how I handled things. I regret some of my past behaviour. I'm not seeking approval for what I've done, or forgiveness. I feel like I did some wrong in my past. And I want to be open and honest about that, if only to remind myself that I can do better. I can be a better person. I can be a more respectful, more ethical person in my current and future relationships.

I suppose I'm saying that I'm sorry.

argh, I hate crushing on someone when I'm still technically in a monogamous relationship D:

EDIT: However, it is eased by my insane cackling at the below webcomic.

Why do you like me (or don't)?

Really.

Examples, anonymous responses, and private messages are welcome.

Somethin about being drunk/stoned when I'm with drunk friends can kinda result in me wanting to make out with some of them. I don't, but I kinda wanna.

That is all.

I present: THE FRIEND ZONE

I am tired and frustrated and want to change the world.

Tonight I went to Father's Day dinner at Alex's dad & step-mom's place. Generally when I go there, my biggest goal is to avoid getting into debate or argument over some issue I feel strongly about. This has happened on occasion with Alex's step-mom, who is a nice enough woman but kinda believes that if your opinion is different from hers, you are wrong. Also she is rather conservative and religious in her attitudes. 'Nuff said.

However, tonight I ended up getting into a discussion / debate with Alex's step-sister instead. The step-sister, Alex's bio-sister and myself were hanging around and Bard on the Beach came up, as did Taming of the Shrew. I mentioned that the play was so frustrating to read for me because of the misogynistic sentiment. And then-- the question, "Are you a feminist?" Knowing from the tone the question was asked in that this was only going to lead to a debate, I took a breath and confirmed that I was definitely a feminist.

It became a frustrating conversation mostly between the step-sister and myself. It mostly involved me trying to adjust her stereotypical media-biased view of what feminism is, and her insisting that men and women in North America are equal though different and that feminism is stupid and unnecessary. Considering the situation I think I did really well. I tried to be patient and let her finish speaking her piece before responding, and did my best to be very respectful. I didn't notice at the time, but Alex told me later that any time I gave statistics or information in response to something she said, the subject was suddenly changed, or I was interrupted.

I came home trying to take deep breaths to calm my frustration. I can understand why it's so difficult for her to "get" where I'm coming from. It frustrates me that she is wrapped in so much privilege (that she may never notice she has) and seems so unwilling to see alternative points of view. She is a thin, white, upper-middle class able-bodied 19-year-old. She has been lucky. I think my real problem here is in confronting the fact that it tires me to be social in non-queer / non-socially progressive / non-feminist circles. I know there is a world to change and people who will never see things differently unless they are challenged, but it is such a daunting thought to be one of the people who does the challenging.

It scares me to think that I might never be able to make people like Alex's step-sister look at the world differently. I think sometimes I'm not smart enough to do it, or I'm not good enough to do it. How can I help change the world when there are people who don't even see that there needs to be change? I guess I just feel -- impotent. Like I can't make a difference. Like I'm not good enough to do it.

Idunno... what am I even doing with my life?

I had an interesting experience today.

I went to my GP up at SFU to get various meds renewed, and waited longer than usual in the waiting room outside and the exam room on the inside. Finally my (very wonderful) GP comes in and lets me know that things have been taking longer because they're also working with patients coming in to update all of their records onto a computerized system.

So I sat there with her and we looked at my screen, filling in information like my anaphylaxis when tree nuts are involved, and medical history like of my UBC sleep study / sleep apnea. Then we flipped to a screen that in part had drop-down menus for "Sexual orientation" and "Gender Identity". And initially I wasn't sure what to make of them, or if I was going to be asked. Both menus were sitting at option "Unknown".
( Read more... )

Cross-posted to outoncampus